Wrong. I have spent my LIFE reading the same books as other people, watching the same TV shows, using the same beauty products, and yet I can't help but feel distant from everyone. No matter how much I conform, I never really fit in anywhere. I've always been a little lost during conversations, no matter how much I do to try and keep up. I am the person everyone comes to when they feel down and need advice, but then who do I go to when I feel down? Am I even allowed to feel down?
I've never really understood it fully; that feeling of trying so hard to please everyone else but never feeling pleased. However, something 2016 taught me is that my assumption of my own happiness being based on what makes other people happy is completely incorrect. I don't just mean not liking the same products, or 'things' it's more about spending my life trying to please other people with my actions, hoping this will in turn make me happy. It doesn't. While cheering other people up gives me a temporary content emotion, this is not real happiness.
The other thing that shocks me is the amount of people who feel this way. I have read forum after forum of young girls saying 'I don't fit in with my group of friends - how can I be more like them?', and older women saying 'Is it normal to feel this way?' Well yes, actually, it is normal. However you feel is normal. Whatever you want to do, is normal! We define our own normal and we shouldn't allow society to consume us into believing that mainstream versions of normal are the only versions. This isn't to say mainstream concepts of normal aren't normal though, like I say everyone is different. You define your own normal and you define your own happiness.
Anyway, back to the point at hand: why do we feel that to be complete we must complete other people? This can be in friendships, in relationships, in online companionships, but the common factor is that we are always trying to help other people in order to help ourselves. But the truth is, although it is human instinct to help other people, the people who are kind and selfless enough to put other people above themselves drop off the radar. They're the forgotten people. The majority of society are so self-obsessed that they can't understand the underlying emotions of a 'nice' person. You hear people say "Oh Jess, she's always happy!", or "Oh no, she's lovely when you get to know her"- people making assumptions based on what they see on the outside, never getting to know the person within and what makes them tick. Yes, I am fortunate enough to have a select number of people who are interested in me, but many people aren't that lucky. Plus, despite having these people in my life, I still spend my days pretending to be interested in the latest make-up product for one friend, or the latest political outburst to please another. It has got to a point where I don't even know what my own interests are because i've conformed to other people's lives so much, I've forgotten who I am.
When my Grandad was around he would tell me I was the smartest girl he had ever met. That he never knew young girls with passion like I had, that my adoration for education was admirable and I should never give up. So I didn't: I went to university and I got my degree. But now i'm here, three years after graduating, stuck in a job I don't feel passionate about, and forgetting everything I've learnt. Someone asked me what year World War 1 was the other day and I had to Google it. Why am I surrounding myself with people and circumstances that make me forget that young girl who would sit and read the dictionary for fun? The realistic answer to that question, that my poor Grandad would shudder over hearing, is that it is convenient. My friends are convenient, my job is convenient and doing and learning about things I actually am passionate about is inconvenient. That is nobody's fault but my own. I got so wrapped up in being the shoulder to cry on, the stable friend, that I forgot who I was. I myself quickly became convenient.
It's a harsh reality when we look back at the last few years and realise how lost we are now, but it's never to late to make a change. Whether you are 20, or 50, or 145, you define your own happiness and you shouldn't get left behind because certain people can shout louder than you can. Work hard, be passionate, and surround yourself with people who make you better yourself, not people who are convenient. What I have learnt very quickly is people love to take and aren't willing to give much in return. Always be kind, never assume, and be who you want to be. Being who someone else likes will not fulfil you.
Ok this post is a bit of mess, written in riddles and cliches, but the moral of the story is just be happy! Lets hope 2017 is the year I find my own happiness, and without sounding too cliche, find myself!
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