The pursuit of happiness

I think it is safe to say that I am a sheep, not a Shepherd; anyone who knows me will tell you this. Any diet, or clothes brand, or cleansing product, or fitness regime, or just any product in general that is popular in the mainstream media I will have tried. I like trying new things. I like to be in the know. I like to have something to talk about with people. Most of all though, I like people to like me. And, if I enjoy the same things as everyone else the latter shall happen, right?

Wrong. I have spent my LIFE reading the same books as other people, watching the same TV shows, using the same beauty products, and yet I can't help but feel distant from everyone. No matter how much I conform, I never really fit in anywhere. I've always been a little lost during conversations, no matter how much I do to try and keep up. I am the person everyone comes to when they feel down and need advice, but then who do I go to when I feel down? Am I even allowed to feel down?

I've never really understood it fully; that feeling of trying so hard to please everyone else but never feeling pleased. However, something 2016 taught me is that my assumption of my own happiness being based on what makes other people happy is completely incorrect. I don't just mean not liking the same products, or 'things' it's more about spending my life trying to please other people with my actions, hoping this will in turn make me happy. It doesn't.  While cheering other people up gives me a temporary content emotion, this is not real happiness.

The other thing that shocks me is the amount of people who feel this way. I have read forum after forum of young girls saying 'I don't fit in with my group of friends - how can I be more like them?', and older women saying 'Is it normal to feel this way?' Well yes, actually, it is normal. However you feel is normal. Whatever you want to do, is normal! We define our own normal and we shouldn't allow society to consume us into believing that mainstream versions of normal are the only versions. This isn't to say mainstream concepts of normal aren't normal though, like I say everyone is different. You define your own normal and you define your own happiness.

Anyway, back to the point at hand: why do we feel that to be complete we must complete other people? This can be in friendships, in relationships, in online companionships, but the common factor is that we are always trying to help other people in order to help ourselves. But the truth is, although it is human instinct to help other people, the people who are kind and selfless enough to put other people above themselves drop off the radar. They're the forgotten people. The majority of society are so self-obsessed that they can't understand the underlying emotions of a 'nice' person. You hear people say "Oh Jess, she's always happy!", or "Oh no, she's lovely when you get to know her"- people making assumptions based on what they see on the outside, never getting to know the person within and what makes them tick. Yes, I am fortunate enough to have a select number of people who are interested in me, but many people aren't that lucky. Plus, despite having these people in my life, I still spend my days pretending to be interested in the latest make-up product for one friend, or the latest political outburst to please another. It has got to a point where I don't even know what my own interests are because i've conformed to other people's lives so much, I've forgotten who I am.

When my Grandad was around he would tell me I was the smartest girl he had ever met. That he never knew young girls with passion like I had, that my adoration for education was admirable and I should never give up. So I didn't: I went to university and I got my degree. But now i'm here, three years after graduating, stuck in a job I don't feel passionate about, and forgetting everything I've learnt. Someone asked me what year World War 1 was the other day and I had to Google it. Why am I surrounding myself with people and circumstances that make me forget that young girl who would sit and read the dictionary for fun? The realistic answer to that question, that my poor Grandad would shudder over hearing, is that it is convenient. My friends are convenient, my job is convenient and doing and learning about things I actually am passionate about is inconvenient. That is nobody's fault but my own. I got so wrapped up in being the shoulder to cry on, the stable friend, that I forgot who I was. I myself quickly became convenient.

It's a harsh reality when we look back at the last few years and realise how lost we are now, but it's never to late to make a change. Whether you are 20, or 50, or 145, you define your own happiness and you shouldn't get left behind because certain people can shout louder than you can. Work hard, be passionate, and surround yourself with people who make you better yourself, not people who are convenient. What I have learnt very quickly is people love to take and aren't willing to give much in return. Always be kind, never assume, and be who you want to be. Being who someone else likes will not fulfil you.

Ok this post is a bit of mess, written in riddles and cliches, but the moral of the story is just be happy! Lets hope 2017 is the year I find my own happiness, and without sounding too cliche, find myself!

Coping with a friend's anxiety: my 5 top tips

Living with mental illnesses can be a terrifying time in anyone's life. Nobody is exempt from the horrors that follow you with the illness, and nobody can prepare you for the experience. I say experience lightly; mental illnesses stay with you forever and they are a constant battle for anyone who has to go through it. However, I use the word experience as I think it is good to look at these life hurdles positively to help you cope with the way you feel.

I should probably begin by saying I have not been diagnosed with anxiety, depression, or any other mental illness for that matter. I have high points and I have low points, but I am not an expert on the matter as I have never personally experienced the full force of it.

However, two people who I would describe among my closest friends have dealt with, and are still dealing with this illness, and the improvement of my maturity levels has helped me improve the way I help them overcome their demons, so I suppose I have a pretty good idea of what to do, and what not to do when it comes to helping friends with anxiety.

1. Suffering in silence does not mean you are stronger than those who get help, but it does not mean you are weaker, either. 

Everyone handles anxiety in different ways, and although there are medications that can improve your emotions and balance you out slightly, everyone reacts differently to treatments and so there is never a right or wrong to this. Some people require medication, some people need therapy, and some people really can do it alone. If you are suffering, or if you are helping someone who is suffering, the key is patience. Eventually you will work out a way to handle it, and whatever works best for you is fine. Don't read up online what other people do, because each case is unique. 

Handling it on your own is hard, and sometimes the best way to help is to encourage them to face their demons. Whether that be forcing them to go to Tesco with you to buy a loaf of bread, or encourage them to come on a night  just so - temporarily, I admit - she could feel happiness. Temporary fixes actually, from some perspectives, can lead to making people more anxious however each small triumph can lead to a bigger success, so you should never feel like a negative influence in whatever way you choose to help.

2. Don't beat yourself up if you can't help them. Anxiety has no instant fix.

As I mentioned, I pushed Jackie* to the point of needing a doctor, but if I hadn't pushed her to that she might still be in bed every day not accepting the fact that she needs help. Now, with the help of medication, she can go about her daily activities and feel genuinely happy, not have to fake it. I beat myself up for a long time for pushing her, and sometimes I still do, but Anxiety relief is a long term fix and this should be remembered whatever help you are giving your friend/family. Keep doing what you're doing - if they haven't cut you out their life altogether yet, you're probably doing something right even if you don't believe it.

One of the biggest problems for me with helping friends with anxiety is knowing what to believe. Often stories told by people suffering can be fabricated or exaggerated as it can be a nervous natural reaction to say these things. It can be easy to  get very frustrated and stop listening, but now I know that is the worst thing to do. This is point three:

3. Friends with anxiety are not lying to you: they just analyse everything, and sometimes the facts get misconstrued. 

Whereas someone without anxiety might go to walk their dog at the park, see a little boy lose his ball in a tree, try to help but not be able to and then go on with their days, people with anxiety don't cope in the same way. In their head, they've let everyone they know and love down by not being able to help this complete stranger. If they stutter when talking to a waiter or mess up wen speaking on the phone they will analyse this constantly in their head until the story is built up into something so much more than it really is on paper. And when dramatic situations come into play, such as the illness of a family member or an argument with a boyfriend, the same thing happens to them, just on a larger scale. Like I've said so many times already, be patient. Don't go gossiping to your other friends and compare the stories that have changed 6 times, just sit and listen and help her over come the issues she is suffering that day. Perhaps next day she will have forgot it happened, or perhaps it will continue for months: just listen to them and understand as best you can. 

Dismissing stories or putting off doing things with her because you are getting irritated at the way they are behaving is normal. However,  distance is the worst thing for someone with anxiety, because this distance becomes hatred in their heads and they don't know how to cope. So,

4.No matter how hard it gets, no matter how much they annoy you or push you away, stick by them.

Although this is easy to say in any friendship, you shouldn't just walk away, with a friend with anxiety this is especially true. They know they're annoying, they spend their life trying to stop annoying people! But you walking away is just going to make anxiety 10x worse. Don't tell them to get over it and come with you or you won't be their friend - you're not helping! If they decide they don't want to go on that shopping trip, or that night out, it isn't personal they just can't physically handle it. And when they do decide they want to come, don't go talking to other people suggesting there are ulterior motives into the reason for their visit with you, they're just having a good day - embrace it!  

I've spent years trying to master how to handle anxiety in friends, and the truth is, there is no answer to it. I have no idea how to help because I've never been through it. If you go to a drug addict and say 'just quit, it's easy' you actually have no idea the mental and psychical repercussions of this action to them: its an illness and that is exactly how it should be treated. So, my final point for you on the matter is this:

5. Don't talk, listen. 
My exception to this, is if they don't want to talk and they want to forget about whats going on then talk, a lot. But don't give advice, don't try to help, just take their mind off it for the few hours they can forget. When they do want to talk, again do not give them advice: you are not a doctor (I assume) and you haven't been through what they have (even if you've had anxiety, remember each case is unique). Just listen, nod in the right places and tell them you understand, just knowing you're there for them will help more than you can realise. Oh, and don't tell them to get on with it, but I probably don't need to tell you that.

Just remember, timing is everything. Be patient and good things will happen.

Good Luck!