Coping with a friend's anxiety: my 5 top tips

Living with mental illnesses can be a terrifying time in anyone's life. Nobody is exempt from the horrors that follow you with the illness, and nobody can prepare you for the experience. I say experience lightly; mental illnesses stay with you forever and they are a constant battle for anyone who has to go through it. However, I use the word experience as I think it is good to look at these life hurdles positively to help you cope with the way you feel.

I should probably begin by saying I have not been diagnosed with anxiety, depression, or any other mental illness for that matter. I have high points and I have low points, but I am not an expert on the matter as I have never personally experienced the full force of it.

However, two people who I would describe among my closest friends have dealt with, and are still dealing with this illness, and the improvement of my maturity levels has helped me improve the way I help them overcome their demons, so I suppose I have a pretty good idea of what to do, and what not to do when it comes to helping friends with anxiety.

1. Suffering in silence does not mean you are stronger than those who get help, but it does not mean you are weaker, either. 

Everyone handles anxiety in different ways, and although there are medications that can improve your emotions and balance you out slightly, everyone reacts differently to treatments and so there is never a right or wrong to this. Some people require medication, some people need therapy, and some people really can do it alone. If you are suffering, or if you are helping someone who is suffering, the key is patience. Eventually you will work out a way to handle it, and whatever works best for you is fine. Don't read up online what other people do, because each case is unique. 

Handling it on your own is hard, and sometimes the best way to help is to encourage them to face their demons. Whether that be forcing them to go to Tesco with you to buy a loaf of bread, or encourage them to come on a night  just so - temporarily, I admit - she could feel happiness. Temporary fixes actually, from some perspectives, can lead to making people more anxious however each small triumph can lead to a bigger success, so you should never feel like a negative influence in whatever way you choose to help.

2. Don't beat yourself up if you can't help them. Anxiety has no instant fix.

As I mentioned, I pushed Jackie* to the point of needing a doctor, but if I hadn't pushed her to that she might still be in bed every day not accepting the fact that she needs help. Now, with the help of medication, she can go about her daily activities and feel genuinely happy, not have to fake it. I beat myself up for a long time for pushing her, and sometimes I still do, but Anxiety relief is a long term fix and this should be remembered whatever help you are giving your friend/family. Keep doing what you're doing - if they haven't cut you out their life altogether yet, you're probably doing something right even if you don't believe it.

One of the biggest problems for me with helping friends with anxiety is knowing what to believe. Often stories told by people suffering can be fabricated or exaggerated as it can be a nervous natural reaction to say these things. It can be easy to  get very frustrated and stop listening, but now I know that is the worst thing to do. This is point three:

3. Friends with anxiety are not lying to you: they just analyse everything, and sometimes the facts get misconstrued. 

Whereas someone without anxiety might go to walk their dog at the park, see a little boy lose his ball in a tree, try to help but not be able to and then go on with their days, people with anxiety don't cope in the same way. In their head, they've let everyone they know and love down by not being able to help this complete stranger. If they stutter when talking to a waiter or mess up wen speaking on the phone they will analyse this constantly in their head until the story is built up into something so much more than it really is on paper. And when dramatic situations come into play, such as the illness of a family member or an argument with a boyfriend, the same thing happens to them, just on a larger scale. Like I've said so many times already, be patient. Don't go gossiping to your other friends and compare the stories that have changed 6 times, just sit and listen and help her over come the issues she is suffering that day. Perhaps next day she will have forgot it happened, or perhaps it will continue for months: just listen to them and understand as best you can. 

Dismissing stories or putting off doing things with her because you are getting irritated at the way they are behaving is normal. However,  distance is the worst thing for someone with anxiety, because this distance becomes hatred in their heads and they don't know how to cope. So,

4.No matter how hard it gets, no matter how much they annoy you or push you away, stick by them.

Although this is easy to say in any friendship, you shouldn't just walk away, with a friend with anxiety this is especially true. They know they're annoying, they spend their life trying to stop annoying people! But you walking away is just going to make anxiety 10x worse. Don't tell them to get over it and come with you or you won't be their friend - you're not helping! If they decide they don't want to go on that shopping trip, or that night out, it isn't personal they just can't physically handle it. And when they do decide they want to come, don't go talking to other people suggesting there are ulterior motives into the reason for their visit with you, they're just having a good day - embrace it!  

I've spent years trying to master how to handle anxiety in friends, and the truth is, there is no answer to it. I have no idea how to help because I've never been through it. If you go to a drug addict and say 'just quit, it's easy' you actually have no idea the mental and psychical repercussions of this action to them: its an illness and that is exactly how it should be treated. So, my final point for you on the matter is this:

5. Don't talk, listen. 
My exception to this, is if they don't want to talk and they want to forget about whats going on then talk, a lot. But don't give advice, don't try to help, just take their mind off it for the few hours they can forget. When they do want to talk, again do not give them advice: you are not a doctor (I assume) and you haven't been through what they have (even if you've had anxiety, remember each case is unique). Just listen, nod in the right places and tell them you understand, just knowing you're there for them will help more than you can realise. Oh, and don't tell them to get on with it, but I probably don't need to tell you that.

Just remember, timing is everything. Be patient and good things will happen.

Good Luck!

Kylie Jenner Lip Kits - Review

Seeing girls covering my Instagram over the past few months with their Kylie Jenner lip kits, looking like their lips were carved by angels, I couldn't resist getting one (or two) for myself.

One of my oldest friends was giving my minute by minute updates from Kylie's SnapChat as to when the website would be open for sale. Safe to say when 12am hit in the UK I was refreshing the page like a crazy woman! Luckily, it worked, and although I knew I only had about a 35 second limit to get the colours I wanted AND to pay, I took the risk of getting Candy K (an older colour) and her brand new colour, Exposed.

As I got to the final checkout, the total came up - $27 for each lip kit seems reasonable for a product with such fantastic reviews, but the $18 delivery seemed a bit steep. Regardless, I had committed to the purchase and clicked 'submit' on my $75 (ish) purchase. The fact it was going to take 3-5 days to process purchase, and a further 14 days for delivery added salt to the wounds, but by this point I had spent my life savings (i'm exaggerating, of course) and so time was not going to deter me now.

Candy K on the left, Exposed on the right

Two weeks passed, three weeks passed, and I was started to get impatient. Then, a mystery note arrived in the post stating an international delivery had been attempted to be delivered but a £23 fee needed to be paid before I could collect it. Yes, that's right, ANOTHER £23 on top of the seventy I'd already paid. Very angry by this point, I sent a strongly worded email to Kylie Cosmetics, with a smug reply letting me know it's on the terms and conditions and I should use my eyes better. They were correct, it is in the small print, so my argument was invalid. Regardless, by this point i had spent around £100 for two lip glosses - these had better be good!!

Luckily for Kylie (because my opinion is the make and break of her business empire, obviously) they did not disappoint. Now don't get me wrong, I won't be spending money on these ever again, ever, but making the best of a bad situation, they really are fantastic.

Let me give you a brief summary of my favourite and least things about the lip kits:

- The colour is fantastic, I am obsessed with nude shades, and both of these are nude but very different to the ones I've owned before
- The lip liners really help to exemplify the shape of your lips, not to mention help it stay on.
- It really does stay on ALL day! This isn't a scam, it doesn't even come of on your coffee cup, and anyone who works long hours will know how important this is! Even when I wiped it off, it took some effort to get it to fully come off with no more traces!!

The shade in the above image is Exposed

- It smells fabulous. Okay this is a personal thing, but a nice smelling lipstick really does make a difference, some of the ones I've had before have smelt like deep heat and made me gag!
- It drys almost instantly! One of the negatives of a matte lip gloss is it has to have time to transform. Previous styles I've tried have taken about a minute to successfully mattify and begin that horrible dry feeling on your lips (it looks good though so who cares!), but the Kylie lip kit took 20 seconds MAX!
- It doesn't make your lips feel as dry as most other kits, which is great.
- The lip liner makes it easy to 'stay in the lines' and not end up with it all over your face!
- Perhaps the effort to get it off is a bit too much! I tried wiping it off once my lips started to shed parts of it but you cannot achieve this if you are out of the house with no access to make up remover.

Overall, this is not a cost effective option for perfect lips, nor is it a fast option if you live outside of the US. However, I do think it is important that everyone has one as a staple make up bag essential, to only be used on special occasions, or when the Queen is coming!

Thanks Kylie, my lips might not be as big as yours, but I guess your kits are still cheaper than fillers!

Film Review: Now you see me 2

Ok spoiler alert: I am not a film critic. I have not studied film, I never wanted to study film, and I did not go into this film with the mindset that I would be critiquing it. However, what I am is a young woman who went to the cinema (that's rare in itself, who goes to the cinema these days?!) and really enjoyed a film. So, I want to share my enjoyment with the world.

To be honest, I am just about as cliche as girls get: I have long blonde hair, I watch make-up tutorials on Instagram and I love rom-coms. Yes, some may call me 'basic' but I'm happy with that, I love who I am and I love romantic comedies even more than that. Anything with Jennifer Aniston/Ryan Gosling in and i'm sold really...

However, about a year and a half ago I started dating a boy and ever since that day he has tried to steer me away from romantic comedies (much to my dismay). Up until about six months ago, he was giving up hope; we'd tried horror films, action films, fantasy films, superhero films and cartoons - nothing was working for me. Then he played Now you see me and I was hooked. My luck only got better when I found out they were in the process of filming a sequel!

Okay so here's the gist of the film(s): Four magicians are in America working on their own, making money by any means necessary. 'The Eye' lures them all in to work together to expose all the big corporations who are stealing the public's money and privacy. In theory they're good guys, but of course technically they are stealing - a bit like Robin Hood - so the FBI are on their case. Luckily for them, one of the FBI agents is actually undercover working alongside them to help them succeed and they pull off the biggest stunt of their lives. Then in the second film, they're in hiding from the FBI and need a way out so Harry Potter, I mean Daniel Radcliffe, kidnaps them and tells them he'll give them a new life if they steal a chip that will give him access to the worlds information. Now they're helping the bad guy.

The film unravels fast, there are a lot of very near deaths, a lot of incredible magic tricks and a a lot of hilarious moments. It doesn't really need to be mentioned, but yes there is a happy ending, they find out who the eye is, Mark Ruffalo finally gets closure over his fathers death, and Morgan Freeman exposes himself as the good guy he really is (in the first film he was the bad guy, very confusing!)

As you can probably already tell, the star filled cast helps the smooth running of the film. Jesse Eisenberg, Mark Ruffalo, Morgan Freeman, Woody Harrelson, Dave Franco, Daniel Radcliffe, Isla Fisher (first film), Michael Caine and Lizzy Caplan are among the cast and the chemistry just works. Like I say, I'm no film critic, but you genuinely believe all the cast are best friends and are working together because they genuinely love performing with each other and want to help the world. How a bunch of actors and a director has achieved that in two films I'm not sure, but it really is revolutionary.

The magic tricks they perform as well work so fantastically, even though I'm fully aware they are magic tricks, all playing with your head and not real,  you're lured into believing Jesse Eisenerg really can make rain stop and change the direction of it, and that Woody Harrelson can hypnotise anyone that steps near him. The best part for me was that you see the tricks throughout the film, they play a huge role in the story line, but it isn't until the last few seconds that you find out how they pulled it off and what really happened. This really helps you get involved in the film and attach yourself to the characters and the role their playing. Even Daniel Radcliffe does a fantastic job of not playing Harry Potter, even though he is a British man in a film about magic - now that is tough!

To say I was on the edge of my seat throughout the film would be an understatement and by the end I may as well have been on the floor. Everyone says those people who clap at the end of a film are weird, but those people have never seen a film as good as this one. I cannot express enough how much I would suggest his film to others. As a lover of romantic comedies, my only disappointment was that they included a (vague) love story in the film - totally unnecessary when there was that much drama throughout the film. Keep to what your good at!

The Social Media Dream

I suppose this post is based around real life experiences rather than general opinions from research like most of my other posts. Nonetheless, this is something I regularly discuss with people and the consensus appears to be the same as mine.

Anyone who is alive in the 21st Century will at least know the names of most social media platforms. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, WhatsApp, Tumblr... the list is endless. Personally, Instagram is where I think the problems began for me, and I'm sure people would agree with that - alongside Facebook, of course.

Growing up, we were always told about 'The American Dream' - the life people aspired to live. I read about it in books, I saw it in the movies, and I watched people work hard to achieve this 'dream' life. Today, it's more like 'The Social Media Dream', if you ask me. Photographs, status' and tweets are all perfectly constructed to epitomise the perfect life, and make people believe that you are so mind numbing-ly happy. Sounds innocent, but it's the affects of these posts that worry me, especially for the generation growing up so engrossed with social media they can't go five minutes without being on their phones. When I was younger and social media was just beginning, it was celebrities images, bodies and relationships that I was comparing myself with. But when celebrities are plastered over social media and magazines and the television, it's easy to remember the lives aren't real and images are created for a purpose to make you feel a certain way.

However, the problem for me is, although I know these images are constructed, and nobody is as happy as they make out on social media, when you are sat looking at a screen and seeing these images it makes it difficult to separate what is real and what is fake. Espeically when it's your next door neighbour Katie who you know has been brought up exactly the same as you - so why is she so much pretty, more successful, and more happy? The simple answer, she isn't! It's the social media dream, we just want people to envy our lives, even though they aren't that fantastic.

This causes to so many problems to people of all genders and ages. Young girls especially seeing images of fitness models, or personal trainers that you once knew at school, or met at a party one time, looking toned and beautiful, thinking if you don't look like that you aren't normal. Yes, you are! These women DO look amazing, and it's great to have aspirations to look as good as them, but you must remember these girls are literally being paid to look like that, just as you are being paid to do the work you do. It's unattainable to work a 10 hour day in an office, maintain a social life and look like that. Keep healthy, of course, but don't run yourself down trying to achieve a life that just is not real.  Adding to body image, filters and apps really do make you envious, don't they! How does that girl you saw yesterday suddenly have perfect skin and bigger eyes and a slimmer face? Has she crash dieted, is it surgery, has she just blossomed? Well, perhaps it's all of them and perhaps it's none of them. There are so many apps out there that can make your make-up free, acne filled face look like it's ready for a photo shoot in Vogue. A filter can change the whole look of your face, or the whole feeling of an image, so don't be fooled.

This leads nicely on to my next point. If something as small as a filter can make a dark gloomy day in your local town centre look like your on a beach in the Bahamas having the time of your life, imagine what a little bit of thought and construction can add to an image! This is something I personally found very difficult, especially when it came to relationships. I've never wanted to be that girl that posts on Instagram and Facebook about how fantastic and caring and handsome and perfect my boyfriend is, so I very rarely post about him. I made that conscious decision. And yet, I still sit looking at other couples images, cuddling on the sofa, holding hands, duvet days, exploring days, and think 'Oh, my relationship sucks, i'm not that happy!' YES I AM! Just because you don't post over social media how happy you are, does not mean you are miserable. Okay, your old school friend is currently in Venice on a gondola with Champagne kissing her boyfriend while your sat in your PJs watching the same film you've watched ten times. Has she mentioned they have spent the entire week arguing over money, and how the smell in Venice is so unbearable he's been miserable the whole time wanting to go home? No, of course not. Meanwhile, you're so content watching that film in your onesie while he makes you a cuppa tea. Its the simple things (for me, anyway) Yes, a picture speaks a thousand words, but you should always listen to what isn't being said, that's just as important. All about keeping up appearances. There are so many 'expectation vs. reality' pictures floating around that sum it up - NOBODY LOOKS LIKE THAT GETTING OUT THE POOL, so stop comparing yourself.

Something to remember as well, just because they're posting about it doesn't mean it's happening. I know, it's quite difficult to believe that people would literally stage a photo just for likes, or check-in somewhere on facebook they weren't really at just to look cool but they really do. Take something simple for example, my friend checked into the gym the other morning about 10am. I was sat thinking "doesn't he have a job to go to?" alongside the thought I should really be at the gym. Then other people were picking up on the fact he's not actually signed up to that particular gym, so it was strange. Then, about an hour he simply replied to us all "or i'm just sat at my desk at work and because it's next door to the gym it let me check in looool". So, just because your whole group of friends have 'checked in' at the pub and you had to work late, the likelihood is if they've had the time to 'check in' they're probably not having a very good time if they're just sat on their phones!

And similarly, away from constructed images but about real life: just because Sally from work is posting her pictures from her idyllic holiday in Italy while you're stuck at work doesn't mean your life sucks. Sally has worked bloody hard all year to afford that holiday and the other 50 weeks she is sat in your exact position getting jealous of other peoples pictures. It's the circle of life (or social media!) so enjoy every moment you have!

I really could go on forever ranting about it, but please, girls and boys, be happy with the life you live! Don't get caught up on social media and the lives of your peers that seem so much better. They're not, and life is too short to be comparing yourself to every Tom, Dick or Harry you see on social media. :)